leprosy.

i wish i was still my ninth grade self. either that or far in the future.

i love drugs.

i don't love sex.

drugs.

drugs.

yes.

i know you're not reading this.

the taste of penis lingers in my mouth.
i hate it when you touch me.
i hate it when you don't answer your phone.
i hate it when you try to shock.
i hate it when you do drugs and i'm not there.
i hate it when you don't tell me what to do.
i hate it when you talk about other girls.
i hate it when i'm sorry.
i hate it when we regret things.
i hate it when we don't know what to do.
i hate it when you give me drugs.
i hate it when i can't finish my sentences.
i hate it when i say no.
i hate you.

cow figurines.

i get so fucking abused.

i'm sick of this.

what's a girl to do?

i want to die. that's all there is to it.

rippled.

rippled: RIP LD.

on september 24, 2004, lewis dvorkin died of a heroin overdose. he was fifteen years old.

and i loved him.

rippled.

exerpt!

this is an exerpt from an essay/memoir i wrote about the beginning of 2004.

this is where i stop remembering things. someone pressed the pause button at 4:08 am. they meant to hit the stop button, but it was dark and they couldn't see the buttons on the remote control. i don't remember climbing down the ladder from my loft bed and walking to my father's desk, where i opened a drawer and held the bottle of wellbutrin in my hand and watched him sleep. i don't remember opening the medecine cabinet and pulling down two bottles -- one advil, one tylenol. i don't remember fumbling in the dark with the door to the shower and choosing one, two, three bottles of shampoo. i don't remember that they were herbal essences, khiel's, and more organic products brands. i don't remember climbing back up to my bed and taking 20 wellbutrin, 20 tylenol, and 4 advil. i don't remember drinking the shampoo, and i don't remember not minding the taste. i don't remember sitting up in bed writing for about an hour, throwing up periodically. i don't remember lying there, in pain, unaware of the nausea, and unable to get up to puke, and having to turn my head and throw up on the side of the wood loft upon which i lay. i don't remember clutching oatmeal bear. i don't remember listening to "the most beautiful widow in town" by sparklehorse. i don't remember passing out. and i don't remember the father finding me at 11 am, calling 911, screaming and crying.
i remember opening my eyes to see an orthodox jewish man named sammy, ringlets dangling, saving my life.

pow!

tomorrow.

the last days of summer
are dropping
like
flies.
let's just hope it gets cold soon
because
i bought a bunch of
sweaters.

i made him leave.

i made him leave
after a night of heart
break.
he told me i was
a good person.
he told me
so many
things.
i never thought
erectile disfunction
would be a problem when i was
fifteen.
i mean,
there is something
wrong
with him, right?
no, no, it's all
my fault.
it's always
my fault.
don't you read the newspaper?
i am fucking
wrong.
i
know what went
wrong,
as i am lost in my
bed.

thank them, for christ's sake!

why do i do these things, huh?
why do i get myself into traps of self loathing and regret and disgust?
why?
why did i ever start in with this?
why do i even regret things like this?
oy vey.
what's a girl to do?

rock star like woah.

rock star + photoshop = god.

this is your emily speaking.

1 - this cat is vicious.
2 - i have my own html rules.
3 - the other cats hate him.
4 - bug incident = major anxiety attack.
5 - pounce!
6 - let's play a hand game.
7 - i don't have time for problems like these.
8 - i don't have time for you.
9 - i've got to keep a close watch on you.
10 - ten extravaganza!

court room scene obscene.

1 - i'm going home tomorrow.
2 - the cat is now Apple Jack Rock Star.
3 - dum da dum da dum.
4 - my grampa came home from the hospital today.
5 - it's because you hate me.
6 - i love you.
7 - and you. (question mark)
8 - let's play candyland and guess who.
9 - familiar faces.
10 - love me. please.

ukelele.

last night my mom was at her friend richard's house, and she called me around 12 am to tell me that she had found a cat in the alley. an all black tiny little starving kitten. then at 1:14 am, she came home and had the kitten with her. i named him (i think it's a him) apple jack. i slept with him last night, although i didn't get much sleep. he kept on getting up and jumping around and i was afraid he was going to get stuck behind some furniture or something so i stayed up and kept an eye on him. i'm very tired now. but, here's the thing: i'm staying with my grandparents in ohio right now, and they hate cats. and he's a secret. so, shh.

gosh, what a thing.

p.s.

p.s. i had a dream last night i was at a carnival and 6 of my friends and i were doing heroin and it was wonderful and great and....just guess.

you.

1 - you ought to know by now that i love you.
2 - divinatrix
3 - there's propaganda stuck to my shoe.
4 - who's going to answer my phone when i'm dead?
5 - emily can poison you.
6 - and i say, this is not a love song. no, this is not a love song.
7 - my live journal is amazing.
8 - so, yeah, i got gmail, but then i remembered it didn't work too well with macs. this makes me very upset because if we had just gotten a pc to begin with, i wouldn't have half of the computer problems i've been having. so, now, i've got to convince Her to switch to os x, which might be difficult. she's such a problem.
9 - jesus christ was an only child. hide your kids when the dogs run wild.
10 - my friends, this is the end, so long and see you soon again.

oh, yeah.

gmail, because i'm amazing.

learn to lie.

1 - suicide is not always and option.
2 - things are spinning.
3 - come back to me.
4 - do you ever regret doing embarassing things so much that you just can't stand it? that you need to just fix things?
5 - topcoat.
6 - animal noises.
7 - well, a kid carries his walkman on that lonely walk from omaha, i know a girl who cries when she practices violin.
8 - you're not kool, so just go away.
9 - revisiting old friends.
10 -
you want a barbie,
i want a ken.
i want anything but what i'm holding--
her penis, her heart in my hand.
you want this barbie
why do i care?
i don't care about this, about you,
about what you want.
why am i doing this?
writing prose about a boy
a boy who cares.
why would i ever care
about a nice little boy?
you need a barbie
like i need a sock in the gut
so i'll just sit here
and play with my barbies--
barbie, skipper, kelly.
you'd fuck them all.
just let me play.

i don't have a title for this. bye bye, i'm on standby.

....and that's where you belong,
not in these creepy posts with me.

oh, you.

oh, you.

rainmaker, text shaker.
you are a car. you are a hospital.

it just means i wanna get rough with you.

i once knew these words, these sounds
but now they walk away from me
(because
that's what they i want to do),
leaving me with nothing.
one name, two names,
who can keep track?
not i!
not i!
delete all of your seventh grade
self.
pretend you never were.
ashamed of who i was and will be,
i am lost
in the record store.

this could be any little town.

1 - why does the morning always come too soon?
2 - i need a new friend.
3 - na, na, na.
4 - i've lost count.
5 - i found love in the form of shoes.
6 - i'm selfish.
7 - my gramps has cancer of the colon that spread to his liver. today he went to the hospital to get the tumor removed. he made it through the surgery. pow!
8 - maybe i'll be a good person.
9 - i'm good with sentences.
10 - pump the brakes, baby.

well, then.

i've realized that everyone on blogger likes donnie darko.

and you're stuck doing people things when they all know you have wings.

i had a flying dream last night.
first, i was made princess of a dying planet and was asked to save their people. so i took off flying, and had the same feeling i had in some dreams i had in the second hospital, that i can't quite describe. kind of like being in an elevator going down. anyway, i took off flying, looking for naomi. but i realized that i couldn't just yell "naomi," i had to yell her last name too. but i couldn't remember her last name. i found sarah k, from middle school, and i asked her if she had seen naomi anywhere. she said, "no, and you're never going to find her with that sweater." so i give her a yucky look and leave her. then i keep flying, and i get to earth, and i'm at camp. except it looks nothing like camp hi-rock. i think i'm still looking for naomi, but i'm not sure. i'm above a bunch of trees and i think it's a secret that i can fly. so i can't let anyone see me. then i lose the momentum and come back down to the ground. then i'm in a clearing and some flying monkeys are following me. the flying monkeys are dressed up like mojo jojo from the powerpuff girls. once i'm down on the ground, i have trouble getting back up. i have to run and try to lift myself up. i keep doing this, and keep failing. then, kari is with me. we are trying to escape from the monkeys, from one side of a lake-ish thing to the other. to help us fly, we are using two plasitc swords stuck through a huge dollar bill held out in front of us. since she does not have the ability to fly, she has to hold onto me, making it that much more difficult for me to fly. but we do get up and almost across the lake, but we fall down to the lake right before we reach the shore. we manage to get out with one of the swords and the dollar bill before the monkeys catch up with us. then we're running to a floating bridge-type thing, but all of the planks are just kind 0f floating by themselves. before the floating planks, there is an old man who shares with kari that he is the one who taught me how to fly. this disappoints kari because she thought i was amazing and taught myself. not that i'm not amazing otherwise. so we have to run across the floating planks to gain momentum to fly away from the monkeys, and we do it, but as soon as we're up we see a group of kids who aren't supposed to know i can fly, so we have to come down and turn around. then i woke up.

hooplah.

i am january. i am december.

punch97.

of course, if it's not pretty, why bother with it?

this is nothing.

i don't like the way i'm feeling
and i guess i'm just
an idiot.
that's the main point.
you know?
as long as you think it doesn't matter, it's
okay.
o.k.
right?
it's not something you can do anything about.
you know what i'm talking about.

1.2 million dollars.

it's simple to hate everyone. but hating individuals is an art.

every hour, on the hour.

1 - i hate it when people have more than one blog.
2 - but it's okay for me to have more than one live journal.
3 - i hate teenagers.
4 - i got a riddle i can't figure.
5 - "i escaped to ymca camp hi-rock."
6 - punctuation is everything.
7 - my family is insane.
8 - time goes by pretty dang slowly 'round these parts.
9 - cry.
10 - oh, what a problematic scheme.

this is everything.

i love him (maybe).

it doesn't even matter.
it hardly matters.
it doesn't matter.
oh.
yeah.

join the navy.

1 - you know how you can never get that last drop of soda out of the can? well, i just got it.
2 - let's be emo now, shall we? wait, first we have to put on our "emo" costumes.
3 - everyone's a freaking 22-year-old hipster these days.
4 - i love you.
5 - what's your favorite font?
6 - i wish i got comments on this blog.
7 - urbana, ohio.
8 - maybe i'm just a "geek."
9 - nine.
10 - i missed my phone therapy session today.

nobody wants to hear about your life.

if you're not amazing, shut up.

everything's different on a freaking mac.

the time on this is always wrong.
i can predict who will comment on certain posts in my live journal.
i love sweaters.

as if.

never-forever

tell me a secret.

cause you're a dream to me.

here are some dreams i had while i was in the hospital this year.

1 - there's a house kids go to where the residing family teaches the kids about sex. there's a lot of safe, experimental sex going on and it's well-known. then one day this kid goes there and sees the mother on the bathroom floor, and she is very sick. she licks the kid's ear and he leaves. then suddenly the mother becomes evil and removes her daughter's bones. then she disappears. then everything in the dream changes, and aliza is the daughter and bob balaban is the father. the evil mother is gone, and she's inside a wall in my mother's room. i hit the wall a few times, trying to get her out, but i'm not strong enough to break through the wall. then i get a hammer and bang it against the wall and it releases her. then we're all on coney island, at some kind of a gathering. then the released mother shows up there, and she's a doll. i run and give her to bob balaban so she can't do any more damage, and he and aliza turn her into a real person. and then aliza goes shopping with di from clueless and i listen to sublime.

2 - i'm spinning around in the air above some kind of monkey bar thing with a chain, and i'm really high up and i'm pretending i'm ice skating. blair is there. then i'm in a department store that's also a gym, and i'm with my mother. she is trying to get me to go to the gym with her, but on my way to the changing room the ball from my lip ring comes off and it's made of clay. then i think the ring is gone, and i look all around the department store for it, but it turns out it was in my lip the whole time.

3 - lela (my cat) is dying. it's something about her stomach. the doctor operates on her and me and switches our stomachs and i try to take care of her, but she still dies. then i'm in a cafeteria-type place and lela hasn't died yet. my mother has forgotten all of her things on a table and i try to get them for her but i can't. then i'm in a hallway at east side middle school, and i see lewis. he says "you look great" and kisses me on the cheek. we leave, and then there's two lewises and i can't keep track of them and i get confused. then we're in laguardia. then we're in blades and we almost have sex in a phone booth that's in the store, but we don't because i woke up.

monster!

guns don't kill people. dinosaurs kill people.

why does everything i do have to involve alcohol?
i had a good time, though.
i mess up way too much.

ack! times fifteen.

i'm disgusted with my age.

i am heaven sent.

fondle-fuck, and forgive eventually.
it was a 26-night stand, embarassed but i understand.

cap'n crunch.

she wakes up from a pointless nap. she is still tired. she is tired a lot these days, you know. she goes to the computer and looks to see if anyone has sent her a message since she's been away. nobody has. she looks at the clock, it is 7:04 pm. not to early, she thinks. the tv is on in the other room. she waits for the mother to leave. she thinks about what she has done today. and the day before. and what she will do tomorrow. her fingertips are numb, and she doesn't know why. she takes off her glasses and cleans them, taking longer than necessary. okay, here we go.

she can't feel her body. and neither can anyone else. because it's not there.

mmph.

make fun with a piggy on your back
make fun with a piggy on your back
cause it would be a shame
to leave your child alone
in the darkness
and once my folder blew away
in the wind
so you should hold your folder very tight
make fun with a piggy on your back
make fun with a piggy on your back.

i made that up when i was six years old.
i'm the same as i was when i was six years old and oh my god i feel so damn old. i don't really feel anything.

are we there yet?

here is an entry about My Day.

woke up. swallowed two pills. went back to sleep. woke up again. signed on. tried to find someone to hang out with today. efforts were futile. watched american splendor. ate some food. went online. talked to nobody. created a blog. updated on live journal. joined the circus. went to india. walked my pet lion. did the dishes. updated on blogger.

wam!

i love you.